Getting Teens to Talk to Parents

 

How do you get your teenager to talk to you about school, friends, life? What do you say? What do they usually say? What do you do when your teenage son or teenage daughter seem to block you out of their lives? It can be a painful experience as you just want to connect with your child during a very important time! Finding ways of talking to your teen can feel complicated and frustrating. You are not alone, and I hope this information can help in some way.

 

First off, you are probably doing much better than you give yourself credit for! Do you care about your teenager? Do you want them to succeed? Do you want them to be happy in their own skin and confident in themselves? If your answers were yes, then you are already doing a good job of creating that safe space. Talking to teens often requires a balance between giving advice and listening. Also your style of communicating friendliness and authority comes into play.

 

I talk to many teenagers in schools and outside of schools through my private practice. It tends to be a delicate balance of formal counseling and informal connection. Finding the best words, activities, and questions can be tricky – but I want to share a bit of what I learned with parents like you. The key is to invite your teenager into that safe space, and the way you invite them is with your words, actions, and how you respond to them over time.

 

Ask Open-Ended Questions

In my experience, most adults (not just parents) tend to ask very concrete and closed questions. We are notorious for wanting our young people to tell us certain answers or pick up different lessons. Teenagers most likely appreciate being able to express themselves without judgement, so the way we talk to them is key. But when we (adults) want a specific outcome, we may lose sight of giving teenagers space. Parents care so much about their child, that it would be nice to get some response from their teen that shows the teen cares. For example, how happy would you be if your child (teen) said this:

 

• • “Hey mom, I really appreciate how hard you work to help me stay focused on school…”
• • “Oh I definitely can help with those chores!”
• • “You’re right… this game is not THAT important.”

 

How would it feel to hear those words from your child? I bet it would feel validating, comforting, and just plain GOOD! Your child acknowledges your efforts, time, love, and hard work!

 

Open-Ended Questions cannot guarantee that they will say these things (hint: NO questions can!) But… open questions can allow your child to engage in the conversation more often and in a meaningful way.

 

Open-ended questions are those that typically require an answer that is more than one word. The benefit is that you can get more information from the teenager – they are more likely to explain more of their thoughts and ideas. There is simply more space to fill with their own words. The challenge tends to be for adults to listen more than they talk.

 

Sample Open- vs. Closed-Ended Questions

Open-Ended Questions	Closed-Ended Questions
How was your day at school?*   What do you want to do this weekend?   What do you like doing with your friends?   How do you usually make friends at school?   Where should we go today?	Did you have a good day at school?   Do you want to go to the park or movies this weekend?   Are you and your friends doing anything today?   Did you do your chores for the day?

 

As you can see, the opposite of Open-Ended Questions are Closed-Ended Questions. Closed questions tend to have a ‘yes/no’ or one-word response. *Note: There are definitely times when a Closed-Ended Question is the best type to use (when you need specific information or you want a quick answers). However, try to consider when and why to use each type of question to support your overall goal.

 

Bringing it Together

I have found myself using more closed questions when I really want to get anything out of a teenager. The most common times I’ve used closed questions is when I repeatedly get a short answer, and it presents an obstacle to reaching the counseling goal. Many times it seems that they don’t want to share about their thoughts, feelings, or experiences when faced with a general questions, like this:

 

Parent: “How was school today?”

Teen: *shrugs* It was okay

Parent: … just okay?

Teen: yep *silence*

Parent: …

 

As mentioned before, there is not any one strategy or approach that will guarantee a teenager will engage in a lengthy, and meaningful, conversation all the time. The goal should move from always having meaningful conversations to creating a safe space where your teen can express their emotions and feelings. This is more of a general approach to conversations, sometimes being direct will help – other times it will shut them down. Even with the best questions, sometimes your teenage son will just not be in the mood to talk. Even with the perfect conversation starters, your teenage daughter will be sidetracked by her school work or friendship drama. That is part of their job during this developmental period, and it does not mean you are a bad parent… at all.

 

Remember that your teenager is going through their own experiences – some of which you know and some you don’t hear about often. They should go through things on their own, because we all know that is one of the best ways to learn new things and develop our confidence and identity.

By allowing them to have their own secrets and experiences outside of the immediate family, you (parent) are communicating that you (1) believe in them and their skills, (2) are there to support them in their journey, and (3) model emotion regulation and responsibility. You are actively helping your teenager develop when you step back and allow them to grow.

 

“Open-Ended questions” is one tool to add to your parenting toolbox. There are many others, but I would encourage you to really sit and think about how conversations with your teen usually go. Here are some guiding questions:

 

1. What would the conversations sound like if you did not initiate it?
2. What topics do your teen typically enjoy talking about?
3. How do you typically communicate your care and support to your teenager?
4. How do you react when the conversation with your teen feels forced?

 

Parenting is Complex

Continue building your parenting toolbox. Parenting is complex because things are changing so quickly and so often. Parents have their experiences, teenagers have their experiences, and sometimes it seems like nothing anyone does is enough. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Consider your strengths, identify things you want to improve, and take it one step at a time. I tell the teens I work with the exact same thing – because we are all just trying to make it through.

Remember, the goal should move from always having meaningful conversations to creating a safe space where your teen can express their emotions and feelings. As parents model these behaviors, most teens happily follow along.

 

**One of the core practices at Clifton Psychological Services, Inc. is to create safe spaces for teenagers to express themselves. We would love to partner with more parents to help you create spaces that work for you and your family!

___________________________

Do you have other questions about parenting topics, Contact us for a free 30-minute consultation

Follow us on Instagram: @cliftonpsi

Join us on Facebook: Clifton Psychological Services, Inc.