Avoiding Emotionally Manipulative Parenting

Emotional Manipulation = When someone uses your emotions to get what they want, steer your behavior, or influence your ideals.

 

As parents, you want your child to be happy, healthy, and successful. You want them to go after their dreams and make good friendships. You want them to be known for their kindness, intelligence, perseverance, and other saintly qualities. Having goals for your children is a good thing and something I hope every parent continuously considers. 

 

The goals are not an issue, but considering HOW these goals are achieved can often cause a bit of friction. Wanting your child to make straight A’s is cool, but then how does your child go about achieving this goal?

• Should they spend a minimum of 2 hours a night studying?
• Should they give up their weekends to go to the library and re-read their notes from the week?
• Should they accept nothing less than a 90% on all tests, and advocate to their teacher for extra credit?

 

Some of these may work for your child, while others may seem ridiculous. It all depends.

 

If we are not careful, Emotional Manipulation may be the route we end up taking. While parents want their children to achieve certain outcomes, it can be a tough balance to become more of a guide. Manipulation would be actions, behaviors, and ideas that try to “force” others to do what we want them to do (regardless of their own desires). No one enjoys being manipulated by others – including your children.

 

What does Emotional Manipulation Look Like?

Guilt, criticism, humiliation, blaming, and accusing are all tactics that try to use the child’s emotions to get them to do what you want. I emphasize the words “try to use” – that is the manipulation part. For example…

 

Guilt: “I work all day long, the least you could do is get an A on your Math test!”

Criticism: “Again?! Do you even try doing your work at school?”

Humiliation: “I can’t believe you failed another test… [*other family member*] would never get these types of grades.”

Blaming: “Looks like we can’t go to the park this weekend because you were suspended again!”

Accusing: “I know you are sleeping in class, stay awake and do better!”

 

The issue with each of the statements above is that the most likely outcome for the child is feelings of guilt, shame, frustration, sadness, and anger – each just produces more hurt feelings and not solutions. Not only for the child, but the parent (and probably other family members) begin to feel frustrated and angry as well. The emotions expressed are normal (e.g., when we are in a frustrating situation, we feel frustrated). However, creating these hurt feelings in the child does NOT typically help them change or find better solutions.

 

Emotional Manipulation – like the examples above – typically lead to these feelings over time:

• Low self-esteem
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Substance Use
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
• Anger Issues

 

No parent wakes up wanting their child to feel these things over time. So why do we do it? 

 

Parenting Responses

The underlying reason is usually related to how you (parent) were raised and your experiences, your perception about what is the ‘right way’ to raise children, and your personal coping strategies at the time. If you are noticing a pattern where your response either leads to worsening the situation or the same issue every time, it may be worth seeking out a supportive friend or professional to take a hard look at what you could do differently.

 

Additionally, emotion coaching, parenting skills, and parent support are all great resources to pursue to help you show up as the best parent you can be. Despite some of the challenges with children, teenagers, and young adults – there are strategies and supports available to help you enjoy the process.

 

Yes, the child may be slacking off, acting out, or just not motivated – and that should be considered as well. But at the end of the day, a parent needs to create an environment of safety where everyone can be their full, authentic, selves. That includes moments of anger, sadness, joy, and all the other emotions we feel during our lifetime. But the safe environment does NOT include situations where someone’s emotions are used to get them to do a certain thing!

 

Natural Consequences & Healthy Responses

In contrast to the manipulative versions of the examples above, the feelings discussed DO occur naturally sometimes. I mean… children do make mistakes and require guidance. They will do things that land them in hot water with you and other family members. These would be some examples of natural (healthy) consequences:

 

Guilt: “You didn’t get an A on your Math test? What are we going to do differently next time to study”

Criticism: “It doesn’t seem to me that you’re putting your best effort in at school, what is getting in the way?”

Humiliation: “You told me you were not going to fail any more tests, what happened this time?”

Blaming: “We agreed to go to the park this weekend, but that won’t be possible since you were suspended. We can try again next week if your behavior improves.”

Accusing: “You were sleeping in class again. I need you to do your best to stay awake.”

 

Notice the difference? Each statement here can produce the same emotion within the child; however, it is more of a statement of fact instead of an attack on the person’s character. The focus is on what they DID instead of who they ARE. Most of them include a question that invites the child to have a discussion about what happened or potential solutions.

*These statements are probably best suited for teenagers, because younger children (ages 5-9) are still developing this level of self-awareness.

 

The (healthy) statements still involve natural consequences – lower grade, not going to the park – but there is little additional guilt or shame. They may feel guilty or ashamed, but because of a specific action or habit they did (or did not do).

 

As always, it is much easier said than done. Life is complex and things change quickly and often. The goal here is to recognize Emotional Manipulation and separate it from more healthy communication with your child. Your child is an individual, and they are developing their own strengths, interests, and personalities. These may or may not line up with your ideal of who they ought to be, and how you allow that process to happen really matters.

 

The balance of wanting the best for your child, knowing the best for your child, and letting them take responsibility for their lives – is hard. I hope that the examples above provide a bit of clarity as you navigate that journey with them.

 

Learn more about Emotional Manipulation:

• Emotional Manipulation: Signs & How to Cope (Choosing Therapy)
• How to Recognize the Signs of Emotional Manipulation (HealthLine)
• Emotional Manipulation: What It Is & How to Cope (PsychCentral)

 

**One of the core practices at Clifton Psychological Services, Inc. is to create safe spaces for teenagers to express themselves. We would love to partner with more parents to help you create spaces that work for you and your family!

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